NANOWRIMO DAY 21

Guess what? It’s NaNoWriMo day 21. And I am okay.

Oh, I’m definitely behind. Probably not gonna finish. But that’s okay. I have written 15,480 words total that I am mostly proud of and I had a good long 5,000-word sprint just today!

My last Instagram post, and my last post on here, were pretty dark. I reached a dark place. On Instagram I wrote, “Part of me wants other people to know how I feel so that they can tell me that they care… but the darkness monster says even if people do care… so what? It’s not enough. It’s never enough. It can’t last and it can’t make anything different.”

Here’s the thing though… people showed up to care. And I found that once again, it DOES matter. When you have people that love you cheering you on, it doesn’t matter how many words you get or don’t get. And I realized that even if I didn’t live up to the expectations I set for myself right this minute, my life is still worth living. The darkness monster can go away. Maybe he’ll be back, but it’s okay. He’s just a liar I don’t need to listen to anyway.

So here’s to however many words I get to finish in the next nine days! Happy writing!

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NaNoWriMo Day 7

So we’re a full week into NaNoWriMo, and I’ve written a grand total of 700 words since the start of the month. My account profile says my project is at 7,805 words, but that’s deceptive. I started with something like 7,100 words, but I wanted to reach 60,000 this month. I told myself that I would do better than I did last year. I told myself (and the rest of my sparse friends list) that I would update my blog and Instagram twice a week to keep myself on track. And I’m one week into the challenge and I feel like a failure.

Sequel (the platform I’ve been publishing my Make Me Maid of Honor series) announced they were shutting down this week. And that, among many other things, has got me down. I kind of expected it, but I still feel like a failure.

Can I be brutally honest for just a minute? Sometimes, like right now, I just don’t see the point. I’ve struggled with chronic depression for ten years, and I have to admit despite everything that’s supposedly “good” that has happened to me in those ten years there are days like today where I just feel like there’s no point in trying to be happy. Because eventually, I wind up right back here again. Hello old nemesis, the darkness monster. It seems like no matter what, you’re always following. No matter what temporary joy I can lay ahold of, you’re always there telling me it can’t last and it’s not enough.

I’m burned out. I’m heartbroken. I’m depressed again. And I don’t have a redeeming corner to turn here in this post. I’m still staring down a blinking cursor and I don’t have any idea on how to make it move. I still feel like a failure at everything I’ve ever attempted. And I don’t need an inspiring speech. I don’t need a phone call or a hug. I just need to write the next word.

Somehow.

Ally1 Comment