In Defense of Hope: The Little Candle on my Bulletin Board

In 2012 during outpatient care for my first major depressive episode, I drew a little design to put on my bulletin board:

A candle with my new mantra on it.

A close up of a burning candle wick with the words: “You DO have a FUTURE and it is WORTH FIGHTING FOR.”

During those months in outpatient care, I imagined hope as a tiny little flame against a sea of infinite darkness. It felt too small, too weak, and too fragile to survive. But still it burned. Still, I repeated my new mantra to myself and carried forward.

There have been points I have wanted to rip that little candle down. There have been days I have looked at my candle and with tears in my eyes have said to myself, “No, THIS was not worth fighting for. THIS has not been worth the pain and the hardship that I have endured. THIS is not enough.”

Then there are moments where I feel that flicker of joy and realize that THIS, my life, my dreams, the future after my first attempt to take my life, has been worth embracing.

It has not been easy. But I think I knew that when I first wrote my new mantra. FIGHTING is not easy. Having HOPE is HARD.

But I count every blessing and celebrate every victory.

Ally4 Comments

The Creative Power of Dreams

Plight of the writer.

At 2AM this morning, I awoke.

Throwing back the covers, I checked the time.

Oh wow. Still early. I thought. Laying back down, I stared across the room at the mirror on my jewelry armoire. No, can’t go back to sleep yet. I have to write this down.

So I got up, and I wrote down my dream.

Close to eight hours later, up and starting my day, I texted with my sister. I described how inspired I felt.

“Some of my best story ideas come from dreams. lol” She replied.

Yeah. Incredible, isn’t it?

At night, we dream. Science has yet to fully explain why. In our minds, the barriers between fantasy and reality rip away and we wander through landscapes of intense color and worlds of what-if scenarios. Some dreams are bizarre. Some dreams are mundane.

And then… some dreams strike a chord that feels like the root of a creative burst.

I’ve previously shared with some friends and family that my manuscript darling, HANG ON (#amquerying), came to me during my April 2018 psychotic break with reality. The images that bombarded my conscious during that week were extremely dream-like.

This dream felt reminiscent of that psychotic break, as some of my dreams these days often do. I sat down to write on my current works in progress, but my mind kept wandering.

I hit “New Document” on Microsoft Word and faced the blank page.

“PSYCHOSURGE” I type.

And thus a new journey begins.

Ally4 Comments