NaNoWriMo Day 7

So we’re a full week into NaNoWriMo, and I’ve written a grand total of 700 words since the start of the month. My account profile says my project is at 7,805 words, but that’s deceptive. I started with something like 7,100 words, but I wanted to reach 60,000 this month. I told myself that I would do better than I did last year. I told myself (and the rest of my sparse friends list) that I would update my blog and Instagram twice a week to keep myself on track. And I’m one week into the challenge and I feel like a failure.

Sequel (the platform I’ve been publishing my Make Me Maid of Honor series) announced they were shutting down this week. And that, among many other things, has got me down. I kind of expected it, but I still feel like a failure.

Can I be brutally honest for just a minute? Sometimes, like right now, I just don’t see the point. I’ve struggled with chronic depression for ten years, and I have to admit despite everything that’s supposedly “good” that has happened to me in those ten years there are days like today where I just feel like there’s no point in trying to be happy. Because eventually, I wind up right back here again. Hello old nemesis, the darkness monster. It seems like no matter what, you’re always following. No matter what temporary joy I can lay ahold of, you’re always there telling me it can’t last and it’s not enough.

I’m burned out. I’m heartbroken. I’m depressed again. And I don’t have a redeeming corner to turn here in this post. I’m still staring down a blinking cursor and I don’t have any idea on how to make it move. I still feel like a failure at everything I’ve ever attempted. And I don’t need an inspiring speech. I don’t need a phone call or a hug. I just need to write the next word.

Somehow.

Ally1 Comment

While I Was Sleeping

Author’s Note: I wrote these song lyrics in 2015 about a long-term crush I’d had that I wanted to be rid of. I’m long since over it, but I still love the lyrics I wrote. I think there are many others who can relate to the feelings so I’m sharing it now.

You were here while I was sleeping,

In the depths of my mind,

Where all the secrets I’ve been keeping,

Are all I come to find,

Where once upon a time we danced,

With open hearts and woven hands,

Until I woke to dawn’s cold bitter light.

I don’t want to dream about you anymore,

This is the last my soul can take,

I don’t want to wish on any more shooting stars,

They fall so far,

And I reach until I break.

I’ve only ever fallen in love with shadows,

And chased whispers into heartache,

I don’t want to dream about you anymore,

You will never be with me when I wake.

I’ve worn a ballgown made of silver white light,

And a veil that trailed across the aisle and into the sky,

I’ve said I love, I will, I do, for all of time,

But only at night.

In the quiet breaths between who I am,

And what I wish inside,

I don’t want to dream about you anymore,

This is the last my soul can take,

I don’t want to wish on anymore shooting stars,

They fall so far,

And I reach until I break.

I’ve only ever fallen in love with shadows,

And chased whispers into heartache,

I don’t want to dream about you anymore,

You will never be with me when I wake.

Reality is where the sunset’s reflected in your eyes,

On picturesque painting that make me cry,

It was everything I ever wanted,

Everything I’d ever wished that it would be,

It was all for real.

Just not for me.

I don’t want to dream about you anymore,

This is the last my soul can take,

I don’t want to wish on anymore shooting stars,

They fall so far,

And I reach until I break.

I’ve only ever fallen in love with shadows,

And chased whispers into heartache,

I don’t want to dream about you anymore,

You will never be with me when I wake.

AllyLeave a comment

Maid of Honor for Summer on Sequel

Announcing the next installment in my series about demon-slaying bridesmaids! The first chapter of book two, Maid of Honor for Summer, is now on Sequel! You can subscribe to the story here.

Annabella French has spent a year cooling down after slaying an incubus hellbent on stealing her sister’s pyrokinetic powers during last summer’s stint as Maid of Honor. But the time has come to put on a new dress and polish her blade because her emotion-bending cousin Pearl is getting married next.

AllyLeave a comment